What Happens When I'm Kept In A Box All Day...

This is the part of the blog where, if technology allowed, I would upload an audio file of my radio show - Brilliant Bits of Southern Style, where every word is spoken in either a British or Southern accent. I feel that more of my true colors would be displayed in such a show. But until then, here are my two favorite phrases for the day:

British - "Decaffinated coffee"
Southern - "Colton, don't go past that blue line."

Try it out. Taste it. Swish it around for a bit and enjoy the tingly goodness of world culture.

Old MacDonald Had a Restaurant...

As I am tickling the keys of this fantastic PC of mine, I feel as if there is a thought that needs to be voiced. But wait... what is it? It was there but then it... YES... no? Okay what was I doing that inspired this teeny tiny thought of mine? Right, I had just read the previous post on Farmville. That's what it was. Oh Farmville.

For or against Farmville? Well for most people, this is a black and white issue. One of morals and time management, one of reality versus imagination, artistic souls versus marketing managorial skills. It even stirs up a fire for farmers' rights for some people, as we have clearly seen. And you, my dear reader, are probably wondering where IBEG stands...being that we are such a positive influence in your life, provoking your thoughts and stimulating inspirational inspirations. (After the last post, you may think you have interpreted my co-writer's true feelings about Farmville, but I say to you in all sincerety with a raised eyebrow, don't let him fool you. Layers. That man has layers, I tell you, so don't merely analyze his letter of complaint on a surface level. Look deep. And you will find the truth. But that is another tangent entirely.)

As for me, Farmville... well. As I said - a fleeting thought. Ambivalence is the word. Do I like Farmville? Well, not particulary. Do I hate Farmville? Not at all. I actually get much amusement at certain friends' glee while playing Farmville. Farmville just does not strike a chord with me. I could not prosecute it or defend it. I doubt it's really a case of undermining real life farmers' toil and strife... they probably are not affected by Farmville at all, because of the very reason that they do not know what Farmville IS. Gasp. Farmers farm. They work from dawn til dusk and don't have time to be concerned about the young adult population that is or isn't viewing them as the common man. I apologize if I'm just being the black sheep of the facebook community by not caring about Farmville, but I really do not understand the hype. Sorry to deflate your hot air balloon.

Now for an application that looks appealing... Restaurant City.
Establishing your own restaurant and menu and serving guests?
That could be the real world.

Anti Farmville Propaganda

I wrote this for a Deviant behavior class. A satirical appeal to President Obama to outlaw Farmville.

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing to you today so that your awareness of a new evil which has pervaded our population may be raised, and in the hopes that you will be so appalled by the obvious oppression of our basic civil liberties that you will be moved to change. This seemingly innocuous pastime is a master of deceit, a pollutant of minds and free to anyone with an email account. It is Farmville, the facebook application, and it is a menace. Farmville is misleading at its core and reinforces negative mindsets that already are so prevalent in our society. It stereotypes and misrepresents farmers, and is a sad reflection of the “me first” mentality that our culture is built on. Farmville is what is wrong with America. I ask, Mr. President, that after this statement you will take every legal recourse necessary to outlaw this oppressive game, and create harsh ramifications for all those caught using it illegally. I understand, being in your position, that you may never have encountered this application. I wouldn’t expect a man of your moralistic standards to engage in such a destructive activity, so I will take the time to explain the threat Farmville poses.

Farmville is, innocently enough, a game about farming. Each player owns a plot of land where they can grow and harvest crops and trees, raise livestock for the resources they give (milk, eggs, wool) and buy decorations. They can also become “friends” (a laughable term considering the source) with other farmers, help out on their farms, and generally collect money, experience and ribbons along the way in a sick quest for power and status. Highest amounts of experience amongst the farming community are displayed in a prominent location to declare quite loudly who is the best of the bunch. It is a poor representation of a farmer’s strife, almost to the point of mockery, and creates a false sense of reality for what the life of a farmer really entails. Believe me, they are outraged. This is not just speculation. This is not just harmless fun. Farmer’s are being treated differently, and it is because of Farmville.

People are beginning to think that anyone can be a farmer. Based on Farmville, crops and trees grow within hours, not months, and can be harvested in minutes. Programmers saw to it that fruit could be neglected forever and still not rot. There is no sense of patience, nor is there an urgency to be on time. It is there when you want it to be, and not a moment too soon (or late). It is all too easy. Crops are not affected by the elements. There is no need to consider rain, drought, sun or insects. The crops grow how they should every time. The market price is always the same. There is no fluctuation in price due to inflation or the economy. There isn’t even a need to pack up your truck and head to the market in the first place. Crops are harvested with the click of a button; the money is transferred into your account. Instant gratification. Far different from the life a real farmer leads. Let me paint you a more accurate picture, as told to me by Jonah Heathling, a farmer in rural Iowa: “I wake up ‘fore dawn. Not with the rooster like the stories’ll have you believe, that’d be sleepin’ in if you ask me. It takes me a hwhile to get all my joints movin’, what with the arthritis in my back and hips, but I get goin’… Spend the day tillin’ soil, feedin’ the livestock, carvin’ out my piece of the land. It’s hard work, it is. Nothin’ like workin’ with your hands, not on this earth… I get home, end of the day, and I sit in front the fire hopin’ my aches an’ pains’ll be gone by the time I get up tomorrow. Can’t afford to be missin’ out on work jus’ because I’m hurtin’… Saturday’s I go to market, try an’ sell what I can to get by. This week I had to butcher my prized calf, raised that ‘un since she was born. Can’t let my family see my tears though, need to be strong for them. I don’t got no electricity, no flushin’ toilet. No need for none of that. I do what I need to get by, and I like it like that…”.

This is the life of a farmer. It is not a life of luxury. It is not a life of selfish ambition. It is a life of necessity, not only for himself but also for America. Sadly, Farmville has desensitized us. A recent study in Consumer Perspectives showed some shocking statistics. After polling those who played Farmville versus those who had avoided it, the findings were that regular Farmville players were three times more likely to see farming as a “low-intelligence profession”, eight times less likely to give up their seat to an elderly farmer on the bus, and twelve times more likely to commit a hate crime to a farmer and his family. This simple superiority complex is actually turning into an irrational hatred over time. A staggering 84% of Farmville players said they would kill a farmer if they thought they could get away with it. 62% said they would do it even if they didn’t think they could get away with it.

The American public wants to put farmers in their new place: below everyone else. They want to belittle and downplay their profession, their sweat. Farmville has done this to them. Before Farmville, farming was seen (and rightfully so) as a noble profession, one done with selflessness and modesty, and one done since the beginning of agricultural humanity to survive. I am not the type to just sit here and let an integral demographic become ostracized without any logical backing. Farmers were here long before Farmville was, and will continue to be here after. A vote against Farmville is a vote for farmer’s rights, Mr. President, and there is nothing more patriotic than that.

Patriotism, however, goes deeper than just protecting those civil liberties that our country was established on. Sometimes we need to go a step further and correct a problem that has resulted from a great American ideal becoming twisted and distorted so much that the end result is insultingly different from the original intention. In this case, capitalism has changed from the wonderful idea that everyone has the right to make their own way in this world to the disgusting notion that the world revolves around the individual. We are slaves to the “me first” dogma, and we value our self worth by our net worth. Farmville only serves to reinforce this viewpoint.

The selfish nature of Farmville reveals itself from the very first time you turn on the game. The first screenshot is a dead-center, slyly-smiling (as if he just ripped off some schmuck) picture of you, directly in the middle of your newly acquired farm (which, I might add, was not worked for (it is as if some rich relative conveniently left you their massive estate)). You are the center of your universe. No one else matters if they are not helping you achieve a higher status, and this is further solidified by your interaction with “neighbors”. One can choose to become “neighbors” with other people who have joined Farmville, which initially seems like a great way to share and exchange ideas with those with similar interests, but in fact is nothing more than another tool to promote personal gain without having to take personal responsibility. You see, neighbors have no other purpose but profit. You cannot interact nor have a relationship with them. They simply become another notch in your belt. With enough notches, you get a monetary bonus. Disgusting. The only semblance of interaction is when you go on their farm to help them with a chore, which also gives you monetary gain. Otherwise, there would be no reason to visit anyone. The recipient of the favor never gains any benefit from this transaction, you just come swiftly in the night, take your money and leave.

What kind of lifestyle is this promoting? It is placing the idea in people’s heads that no friendship should be made nor relationship maintained without direct financial benefit. It is saying that any action, no matter how cold, can be justified if it leaves you with a bigger bank roll. What is the purpose? Where does it end? Are the Farmville users donating these small fortunes to a worthy cause? No, they are not. They instead take their blood money and spend it on aesthetically pleasing items with no utility. Trash, essentially. Nothing in the game (with the exception of crops, trees and animals, which are only there to make more money) has any use. Buy a sandbox, and you’ll find you can’t play in it. It is just there. People buy simply to have things. They hoard and gloat, sitting high atop their mountains of injustice as they look down at the other, lesser farmers.

There have been numerous medical studies done in the last year to verify that Farmville does in fact attribute to much of America’s selfish ambition. For instance, Gretchen Pladunk, a Professor at Johns Hopkins University, has claimed an actual chemical imbalance can result from even moderate exposure to Farmville, which she has aptly named Farmvillioma. Symptoms can include “a prolonged and uninterrupted feeling of megalomania that carries over into the personal life of the afflicted. Most have little to no regard for other humans. Some extreme cases have seen the diseased take all the money out of their bank account so they can spend entire twenty-four hour periods counting it, often ignoring prior commitments and personal hygiene to do so”. Some others have taken it a step further. Benny Crekow of the University of Southern California has determined: “Farmville cures cancer. Wait, hold on…this graph is upside down…one second…I’m sorry, it causes cancer. Farmville causes cancer”. While I cannot verify the validity of this study, I believe it is safe to say that Farmville is cancerous to the health of our nation. I hope by now, Mr. President, that you feel the same way.

That is why I hope you will join us at our rally December 18^th in Washington D.C. It will be a cold winter day, a day no crop could grow, but a day that will still be sunny and bountiful in the skewed reality of Farmville. Our group, the Coalition Regarding Overly Poisonous Software (C.R.O.P.S.), will be speaking all day, trying to raise awareness of this threat to our morality. We will be bringing in such respected leaders in the community as Michael Jordan, Lou Ferrigno and The Edge to endorse our cause and attract the attention of the lawmakers in D.C. You see, Mr. President, this is why we need you. Our ultimate goal is not simply to raise awareness of this evil (although this is important). We believe that Farmville should be outlawed in the United States. It is oppressive to farmers, it creates selfishness and it can do damage to the body and mind. It should not simply be a deviant act; it should be an illegal act. It would not be enough for us to preach the dangers of Farmville to the public. Only by coming down hard on the criminals who decide to play it, the Farmvillains of our society, will we be able to protect the well-being of our population.

Mr. President, I very much hope that you have come to see the danger lurking. If we continue to allow Farmville to infect our computers, then we continue to allow our farmers to be pushed down into the lowest rungs of our society. If we continue to allow Farmville to shape our realities, then we continue to allow our nation’s mindset to become more and more self-centered and egotistical. We need you to speak at our rally, Mr. President, and we need you to convince the lawmakers, as well as the rest of the free world, that Farmville needs to be stopped.

To help support my coalition, I have attached a list of signatures from those like myself who would like to see Farmville wiped from this earth. I hope that you will take this into consideration when making your decision. I also ask that in the time it takes for us to pass this law, you do not even shake the hand of a Farmvillain. I hope to see you at our rally December 18^th, Mr. President, and I thank you for reading my letter.

Regards,

Greg

Kentucky Humor

What did the Mother Buffalo say to her little boy on his first day of school?

(Highlight to read)
Bison.

_Stuck_ in the _Mud_

The last time I attempted these were in 7th grade. Forgive me if they aren't genius, or if they just plain don't make sense.

1. 4 out of 5 doctors agree __to disagree__.

2. Venezuela is to Cedric Diggory as bratwursts are to __Kentucky__.

3. A priest, a rabbi and __my cousin Vinny__ walk into a bar. Everyone dies.

4. Puppy bowling __strikes out in my book__.


I need to drink some tea.

______ in the _______

I have indeed been slacking and finding other things to fill my time. But I really have no excuse. I've been out-bantered.

...and yet, I still feel qualified to fill in these blanks. Maybe it's a grandiose sense of self, a bloated ego or a shade of megalomania, but I'm going to do it gall durnit.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke.

3. Support bacteria. They’re the only chance at getting sick that some people may have.

4. Change is inevitable, except when you have exact change.

Now it's your turn:

1. 4 out of 5 doctors agree ______________

2. Venezuela is to Cedric Diggory as bratwursts are to _______________

3. A priest, a rabbi and a __________ walk into a bar. Everyone dies.

4. Puppy bowling __________

Come on ... Do the Locomotion With Me

Okay well I must be hopelessly and pathetically bored or maybe Greg is finally busy with something thrilling! (If so, I'm jealous. Again.) Hopefully this boredom will only last another 2 days since I will be moving soon! But somehow, despite my regular 1000 mph school year rate, my mind still craves banter. So probably... nothing will really change. :)

So my friends, here are some Fill-In-The-Blank Wisdom Phrases to pass the time!
1. A day without sunshine is like _______________________.

2. He who laughs last, _____________.

3. Support bacteria. They’re the only ________________ that some people may have.

4. Change is inevitable, except ____________________.

Life Lesson: Coffee drunk late at night still has caffeine in it.

Karaoke bars aren’t given enough credit. Kara Oke’s nephew, Miles Davis got his start in her bar. And where else can you sing Summer Nights from GREASE to practice for auditions or relive your band’s glory days with Free Bird? (I will take this moment to promote Applebee’s Karaoke Nights every Thursday from 9 pm – midnight. Sit in my section, buy a few rounds, and remember to tip me well!) I feel that those people out there who think they are above such lowly entertainment are really scared to admit that deep down inside they have stage fright, and the best thing to get over stage fright is to face your fear. I dare all you karaoke-fearers to sing A Whole New World with me. If you don’t love it, your boneless buffalo wings are on me.

I had a list of things I learned this summer without an adventure to Wisconsin. But they were too obvious and practical and not at all philosophical. But my sister and her friend are currently talking about odd names. It reminds me of a game we used to play called, “I Will Never Name My Kid….” So I will leave you a list of names that I doubt I will ever name my children.

Keanne
Georgeenini
English
Electra
Harold
Keegan
Gus
Judd

Deep Thoughts

My oh my, it's been a while. I've returned from my Wisconsin lake vacation with a restored vision, a sharpened rapier's wit and glint in my eye (owing no doubt to my purchase of the book Overstatement and Metaphor for Beginners). One can glean an awful lot gazing at a body of water, and I wish to impart some of my newly founded wisdom on the reader (if you'll have me):

-The importance of hyperbole cannot be overstated.

-Wait, crap...that's it. I think. No, wait...hold on, no there's one more:

-A house of mathematicians will always be divided.

-Karaoke bars may very well be the lowest form of humanity.

-Okay, two more.

I would also like to leave with some words of inspiration (and an excerpt from the upcoming collection Chicken Soup for the Thunderdome Soul):

As you gaze down the endless stream of ideas and agony, may the wings of conviction carry you high above the bog of bigotry and into the insatiable glen of knowledge. May the sails of the fates always point you north towards your innermost hopes and ideals, against the current of intolerance, and may your stars of hope always shine brightest when injustice is near.

All's Fair in Love and War?

Oooh I see word is getting around. I am indeed writing a script. However, because it's still in the works, I don't want spoilers all around the internet for the public to see. So here are some things it could be about...

- A dramedy (drama & comedy)TV show series based on the shenanigans of two neighboring college apartments. It involves the world of the theatre arts, international missions, love and relationships, a Nigerian princess and her bodyguard, stalkers, drug busts, food fights, and a rather memorable episode of a squirrel chase.
- A Christmas musical, based of a certain Christian artist's CD, with a redemptive family theme throughout several generations. It is inspired by the Gift of the Magi, Father of the Bride 2, Catch Me If You Can, and While You Were Sleeping. This show presents the true meaning of Christmas in a non-cheesy way, while involving real life problems, barbeque debates, and some stunning choreography in the dance numbers.
-A screenplay of a children's movie, with somewhat similar circumstances as the beginning of The Parent Trap. A group of girls and their rivals of the 6th grade, a dastardly group of boys find themselves together at the same summer camp. Kids will delight in the numerous hilarious pranks that occur, as well as sigh (or cringe) as the two leaders of the opposing groups fall for each other in the midst of a crisis in the middle of the dark forbidden woods.

Oh. And don't think you've gotten off the hook with that feather story.

Caught in the Act

Heck, I'll answer them all. That's why they call me Crazy Greg.

1. The straw's wife left him, he lost his job and his car broke down, all on the same day. That would be enough to drive most anyone to the bottle.

2. Waiting. For it to happen. Because it hasn't yet. And I don't see it happening. Ever. But still I wait patiently (in the spirit of the holiday).

3. Wait, never mind. I'm only answering the first two.

All right, your turn. I heard you were writing a script. What's it about?

I got a haircut today, and I rather like it.

Well folks, we hope you enjoyed our previous series on the Worst Movie Sequels of the Summer! Don't go see them. Or do. It is a free country.

Also in the latest news, our poll question has been answered! Looks like Jennifer Aniston will be playing Heather in Bear Necessities. Updates on the progress of the movie can be followed on imdb.com or the Jennifer Aniston website once her agent returns our phone calls. A new poll will be coming soon!

Well Greg, what would you like to discuss? I believe it's your turn to choose.
1. How indeed did the drinking straw originate?
2. My favorite holiday is Never Day. What are some of your best traditions for that day?
3. Why, might I ask, were you covered in feathers when I saw you yesterday in the cereal isle at WalMart?

Worst Summer Sequel

1. Kazaam 2: Shaq's Baq

oh no.

To Two Too

Getting close to the worst sequel ever!! And here you are folks, the runner up is:

You've Got Twitter
With as much charm as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks had in You've Got Mail, of course film producers wanted to try for the magic again! This time, Robin Williams and Rachel McAdams are in a modern day New York, both on Twitter. What starts out as an online aquaintance between a retired entreprenuer and young actress, suddenly turns into a girl's worst stalking nightmare, when they decide to meet up for the first time in an apple orchard. Creepy, yet more cheesy than Disturbia, the viewer comes away wondering whether they should've learned to stay away from the internet or never go apple picking alone again. Or whether Robin Williams has lost his touch. Truly a bad apple.

Hold your horses for the WORST MOVIE SEQUEL!!!!

Cuatro y Tres

4. Get Rich or Die Trying or Both

50 cent becomes stale(r), keeps putting out terrible records, loses fan base, blows all his money on white panthers, never improves enunciation, dies in old age home. Unintentionally a comedy. Based on a true story.

3. Kill Bill 3: Redemption

After the death of Bill, Uma Thurman realizes she has has no other hobbies. Racked with guilt over an unfortunate circumstance in the first movie, she decides to make a new list, a list of every member of the Crazy 88 she dismembered or killed during the iconic fight. She spends the 280 minute movie visiting every single one of them (or their families), offering up apologies and gift baskets from Bed Bath & Beyond, although she validates most of her sympathies with "but, you know, they did attack me first". Very repetitive.

SIX and FIVE

SIX: Mary Poppins 2
Alright, I guess directors just can't get enough of Julie Andrews. She's back in London, visiting Michael and Jane, who have both grown up, gotten married, and had naughty but sweet children of their own. Mary takes it upon herself to show these youngsters her magical world, but jumping into a modern day video game isn't the spoonful of sugar she planned. Bert must jump into the game to save them from the evil robotic monsters, which causes Mary to realize she and Bert should have been together all this time. The now older couple reunite on the rooftops of London and sing a reprise of "Chim-Chiminee." Modernizing this classic English tale doesn't provide the charm of the original. None of the melodies are as catchy and the unfolding plot is extremely slow. Sort of a Spy Kids meets Last Chance Harvey type deal. Without supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Disappointing.

FIVE: The Happening: The Winds of Tokyo
Supposedly, the only reason this film exists is because Mr. M. Night wrote the two screenplays as a pair, and they filmed the two at the same time. Now the studio doesn't want to waste all that money, so it might as well come to theatres. We all know where this one is going. All the scientists of America were wrong. It wasn't Mother Nature freaking out. It was really invisible microscopic Russian blowdarts. Russia, wanting to become the ONLY world power, began it's domination with the USA and has now moved to the next essential city - Tokyo. Same plot, but all in subtitles. Except that when the Japanese scientists figure out what's really going on with Russia, Russia just blows them up with nuclear warheads. Cliff ending. Weird.

7 & 8

8. Speed 3: Sack Race
A simple town. A yearly tradition. A villain in search of vengeance.
While showing promise, Speed 3 never lives up to its tagline. Any time you bring back the original cast 15 years later for the 3rd installment of a cheap disaster movie, its a recipe for success, but unfortunately this one falls short. Dennis Hopper is just not that convincing as the man who comes back to the site, 45 years later, of his greatest embarrassment. Keanu Reeves is just not that convincing in anything he's ever done. Quite a disappointment, considering Keanu had to spend six months getting his calves in shape in order to hop in a sack over 5MPH for 84 minutes. Even the ending is incredibly predictable. There's only one way a sack race of this magnitude could conclude. Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies.

7. Sister Act 3: Habitual Nightmares

It's like the zombie apocolypse musical. With nuns (naturally).

Departing from the theme of the first two, this installment is being billed as a "sister slasher". Whoopi comes back to San Francisco to the site of the convent that first took her in, only to find that the whole town has turned into zombies. She must fight her way across town to find the only phone in town, a direct line to the pope. All the while her efforts are slowed as both she and the zombie residents break out in spontaneous song.

While the intentions were good, the execution is sub-par (most of the zombies can only moan and wail), and most of the dance numbers seem put on (especially the line dance for "My Guy...Will Rip Your Throat Out"). My suggestion: wait for the rental. One star.

Flippy Floppies

Now we shall turn our attention to the world of the cinema. With so many new movies coming out this summer, it's hard to choose which film to spend a $10 ticket on. Well IBEG understands the economic crisis we are in and we know how precious each dollar is. That's why we are here to save your precious time and let you know the top ten movie sequels that are destined to fail:

Starting with NUMBER TEN .... ELF 2: THE BUDDY SYSTEM.
Christmas in July? Come on New Line Cinema! The original Elf charmed our hearts as Will Ferrel helps his father find the real meaning of life at Christmas time. Making snowflakes in department stores, Santa Claus meets the whole family... it's a great, upbeat way to spend a winter holiday evening. Elf 2? Not so much. Buddy is back... for a scene. To introduce his brother elf, Sunny. Well, half-brother. Sunny is 100% elf and he is visiting Buddy from the North Pole. Buddy decides to make Sunny his new buddy (literally) and the two of them have a grand old time in New York City, that is, until Will Ferrell decided to drop out of the movie, and the rest of the movie, Buddy "disappears" as a work-a-holic elf opening a new branch of Santa's workshop in the South Pole with the penguins. That leaves Sunny to discover New York on his own, which is pretty dull. Except for the ice skating scene that lasts for 20 minutes. Spare me.

NUMBER NINE ... FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY TO BO BICE.
Um. First one? No. This? A love story between Kelly Clarkson and the runner up American Idol thinks-he's-a-rockstar Bo Bice? No. Just no. The best part is when he cuts his hair.

Number Eight and Seven ... up next!

Back in Business

Well, I recognize that it has been some time since I have made any impression on this page, and for that I am sorry. I have undoubtedly wrecked the flow, so a new flow must be started (ebbed?). I do plan on passing the buck yet again, so instead of offering up a new topic, I will give Elisabeth her choice from the following:

1. Top ten movie sequels destined to fail.

2. Pop tart math.

3. Jacques Cousteau's Cousfingers

4. Favorite parent

5. Pluralization(s)

6. Would you elect a President that could fly?

7. Murder's effect on the death toll.

Blimey!

Ahoy matey! Look lively there if yer bones have any value! Me banterin' treasure's been stolen and taken down to Davy Jones' locker. Shiver me timbers! Arr look about you lads. Use yer deadlights and beware that whoever that blaggard is... I'll have his lights and liver, that's fer sure.

Billions of blue blistering barnacles! I'm goin to find meself some grog and rum.

You Can Fight Crime, But You Can't Fight Fate

It WOULD have been joy. Indeed it would have. So joyful that Whoopi Goldberg would’ve joined the whole motley crew with her amateur teenage wonder-choir from Sister Act 2 and everyone would’ve joined in a mighty chorus of “Joyful, Joyful” to celebrate on that Easter (Les Paques, if you will) morn.

There is just one overlooked word that makes all the difference in this tragic tale of woe.
And that word is “in.”
The young and aspiring optometrists, the female crime fighting team, and the musical yet vertically challenged Spanish megalomaniacs happened to be meeting IN a quape, instead of ON quape.

If you analyze just a bit further, you will realize that Easter is not only the name of the Christian holiday, but also refers to an island of Chile in the southern Pacific Ocean… namely Easter Island. This particular island was inhabited by Polynesians since the fifth century A.D. and encountered by Dutch explorers on Easter Day, 1722. The island is famous for its hieroglyphic tablets and colossal heads carved from volcanic rock, which were probably produced by the Polynesian inhabitants during a period from roughly 1000 to 1600.

Just as the riddle of Les Paques decoys the puzzle-solver to think they met on a water chestnut, filled with walrus milk instead of water, Easter also has a double meaning. These passion filled people met on Easter Island that Easter morning, and this, I believe, is the chaos that ensued:

A Spanish megalomaniac was practicing his flugal horn, while the optometrists were attempting to map out the eye of some creature. (Whether it is human or puppy was not disclosed to me.) The optometrists, thinking they had some advantage over the vertically challenged megalomaniac, teamed up on this poor fellow and stole his flugal horn because it was making too much noise. They attempted to throw it off the island, but instead was nearly intercepted by a female crime fighter. The female crime fighter unfortunately tried to catch the horn with too much umph (being a crime fighter requires much gusto, after all) and instead of catching the horn, she ran head on into a colossal head carved from volcanic rock. The head was no match for the crime fighter, and it rolled down the hill, crushing them all. Only one crime fighter was able to carve hieroglypics into a tablet nearby before she died. Because her time was running out, she of course abbreviated all parties involved – hence the FURNAGIL and MONAGELITE. Because of her message, all future tourists have been warned against bringing their flugal horns to the island, and so far, the death toll has not increased.

I believe NOW the case can be closed.

A Moment of Your Time

Aha, I see our friend Abeth has taken to putting me on the spot. While this topic could be expounded for many more posts, I will try and summarize to the best of my abilities.

At first glance, one might assume that this statement is a reference to two creatures from Harry Potter meeting at some pub in Diagon Alley. This is, of course, incorrect. In fact, the first two words are actually acronyms (F.U.R.N.A.G.I.L. and M.O.N.A.G.E.L.I.T.E.), and read out as follows:

Fresh Utopian Retinal Navigators Accompanying Girls In Leotards

Manky Orange Nectar Aroma Greeting Eleven Little Iberian Troubadour Elitists

Or, in fewer words, young and aspiring optometrists working on mapping out the human (or puppy) eye while keeping a female crime fighting team company happening to encounter upon a musical group of vertically challenged, Spanish megalomaniacs who simultaneously vomit from a sudden waft of the past-expired citrus in tow.

This would normally not seem at all strange, but in this example, they are meeting in a quape, and that makes all the difference. Quape is originally derived from the French Canadian "qua", meaning "walrus milk", and the West Slavic "pe", meaning "on top of a water chestnut"(roughly). But this has nothing to do with the current riddle. It is a decoy. A clever ruse meant to distract from its true meaning. Take the word "quape", rearrange it, and get "upaqe". Rearrange it again, and you get "paque", or "Les Paques", literally "Easter" in French. Ah yes, now it becomes clear. These two groups are meeting at Easter.

So now back to the original question "A furnagil and a monagelite met in a quape. What happened??"

Joy

Celebration

Joyous Celebration

That's what happened. Case closed.

Peter Piper Picked A Peck of Pickled Peppers...

As sure as Quetzal Quidditch would be a swell sensation, and audacious alliterations would allure all audiences, I still feel we humans should have some sort of sport of our own. If the ferrets get their fencing and hippos get their hockey, we humans should have something at which we alone excel. I think that is only fair. Let's not be so generous as to extinct ourselves.

I'm sure our readers will carefully consider each side of the Puppy Bowling debate, and having been educated on each side, will come to a courageous conclusion.

Well now, new weekend and new color! That can only mean a new banter starter has slipped its way into the blog. Because Greg so kindly provided the first topic of discussion, I will begin this round. All this talk of quetzals and xantis made me wonder the following:

A furnagil and monagelite met in a quape. What happened??

Unbelievable Potential

Old Fashioned or Closed Minded?

I believe that is the question our reader should be asking.

Are you so afraid of advancement? I understand that the notion seems odd, but if we want to see world records, we should really allow the world to participate. Plus, think about the amazing alliteration that could result from new animal-based sports:

Aardvark Archery

Beaver Badminton

Cavefish Curling

Dolphin Diving

Earwig Equestrian

Ferret Fencing

Gator Golf (give it a whack, throw it right back)

Hippo Hockey

Iguana Iditarod

Jellffish Javelin

Kittie Kickboxing

Llama Lawn Darts

Manatee Muay Thai

Newt Netball

Ostrich Orienteering

Plankton Pole Vault

Quetzal Quidditch

Raccoon Raquetball

Salamander Skeet Shooting

Tarantula Tennis

Unicorn Ultimate

Viper Volleyball

Walrus Weightlifting

Xantis Xare

Yak Yachting

Zebra Zui Quan

Marketing gold.

Rebuttal

If indeed we allow puppies to bowl, then where will the line be drawn? Who will bowl next? Cats? Cows? Bears? That is called a farm. Goats will be eating bowling shoes right and left! A Zoo! Animal sports! Humans will be overrun eventually. And then it will continue on to all sports... there's no way Payton Manning will have a chance against a cheetah. Men and women sports will be extinct. The phrase "Michael Phelps swims like a fish" won't be needed anymore, because he will have been replaced BY AN ACTUAL FISH!

I can understand "Take Your Dog Bowling Day." Once a year, bring your puppy to the bowling alley? Great. See ya there with my Morky. Other than that, I'm much more of a old fashioned thinker when it comes to animals and sports.

Thoughts on Puppy Bowling

There is also the highly controversial notion of using puppies as bowls. For soup and such.

But I want to get back to the idea of a puppy playing with the big boys. Transcending the hound/human mammal barrier that has caused so much hardship in this fair country. We have already seen great steps being taken in the football realm (see: Puppy Bowl V), but the puppies are only allowed to participate with other puppies. Why can't a puppy do anything that a human can? Are they that threatening because they have fur? Or are we simply afraid of competition?

I will concede that it would be quite embarrassing to suddenly see a puppy at #1 in the world rankings. After inventing the sport, to be continuously dominated by an outsider we begrudgingly let in would be a bit hard to swallow. I could definitely see some jealousy, some xenophobia, some "us vs. them", and quite possibly some sabotage. But isn't that the spirit of the game? Isn't that why we compete? To be the best and to beat the best?

It is for this reason that I say:

Let the puppies bowl.

That's right. If we are to break down the walls that separate us, this so called "fur barrier", then we need to start now. Sure, the puppies will face hardships, but they are necessarry to end the tyrany of humans who have dominated this wonderful sport for so long. Future generations will be able to look back and say "That was it. That was the moment we started being treated like equals".

Will some brave puppy please stand up?

Here's to a Million Dollars

Well there are several clauses to the Puppy Bowling debate.

1. Allowing puppies to play in the same Bowling League as people.
2. Using puppies to bowl, as a substitute for bowling balls, as a solution to this current economic crisis.
3. Replacing bowling pins with different breeds of dogs; for instance, the key to making a 7-10 split is to knock down the German Shepherd first off.

Also, the related clauses must be taken into consideration. Will they cease the selling of hotdogs at concession stands?




Today's buzz words: senators nunchucks swimsuits neckline slimmer Robert Redford

First Topic

To commemorate this groundbreaking occasion, I will give you a choice of topics for our first banter conversation. They are but are not limited to:

1. Favorite R.L. Stine novel.

2. Supersoakers and their effect on pre-teen violence.

3. Oregon state law.

4. Puppy bowling (for or against?).

5. Boysenberries and girlsenberries.

6. Any combination of buzzwords that will often show up in search engines, thus giving us a larger chance to become psuedo-celebrities.