Worst Summer Sequel

1. Kazaam 2: Shaq's Baq

oh no.

To Two Too

Getting close to the worst sequel ever!! And here you are folks, the runner up is:

You've Got Twitter
With as much charm as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks had in You've Got Mail, of course film producers wanted to try for the magic again! This time, Robin Williams and Rachel McAdams are in a modern day New York, both on Twitter. What starts out as an online aquaintance between a retired entreprenuer and young actress, suddenly turns into a girl's worst stalking nightmare, when they decide to meet up for the first time in an apple orchard. Creepy, yet more cheesy than Disturbia, the viewer comes away wondering whether they should've learned to stay away from the internet or never go apple picking alone again. Or whether Robin Williams has lost his touch. Truly a bad apple.

Hold your horses for the WORST MOVIE SEQUEL!!!!

Cuatro y Tres

4. Get Rich or Die Trying or Both

50 cent becomes stale(r), keeps putting out terrible records, loses fan base, blows all his money on white panthers, never improves enunciation, dies in old age home. Unintentionally a comedy. Based on a true story.

3. Kill Bill 3: Redemption

After the death of Bill, Uma Thurman realizes she has has no other hobbies. Racked with guilt over an unfortunate circumstance in the first movie, she decides to make a new list, a list of every member of the Crazy 88 she dismembered or killed during the iconic fight. She spends the 280 minute movie visiting every single one of them (or their families), offering up apologies and gift baskets from Bed Bath & Beyond, although she validates most of her sympathies with "but, you know, they did attack me first". Very repetitive.

SIX and FIVE

SIX: Mary Poppins 2
Alright, I guess directors just can't get enough of Julie Andrews. She's back in London, visiting Michael and Jane, who have both grown up, gotten married, and had naughty but sweet children of their own. Mary takes it upon herself to show these youngsters her magical world, but jumping into a modern day video game isn't the spoonful of sugar she planned. Bert must jump into the game to save them from the evil robotic monsters, which causes Mary to realize she and Bert should have been together all this time. The now older couple reunite on the rooftops of London and sing a reprise of "Chim-Chiminee." Modernizing this classic English tale doesn't provide the charm of the original. None of the melodies are as catchy and the unfolding plot is extremely slow. Sort of a Spy Kids meets Last Chance Harvey type deal. Without supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Disappointing.

FIVE: The Happening: The Winds of Tokyo
Supposedly, the only reason this film exists is because Mr. M. Night wrote the two screenplays as a pair, and they filmed the two at the same time. Now the studio doesn't want to waste all that money, so it might as well come to theatres. We all know where this one is going. All the scientists of America were wrong. It wasn't Mother Nature freaking out. It was really invisible microscopic Russian blowdarts. Russia, wanting to become the ONLY world power, began it's domination with the USA and has now moved to the next essential city - Tokyo. Same plot, but all in subtitles. Except that when the Japanese scientists figure out what's really going on with Russia, Russia just blows them up with nuclear warheads. Cliff ending. Weird.

7 & 8

8. Speed 3: Sack Race
A simple town. A yearly tradition. A villain in search of vengeance.
While showing promise, Speed 3 never lives up to its tagline. Any time you bring back the original cast 15 years later for the 3rd installment of a cheap disaster movie, its a recipe for success, but unfortunately this one falls short. Dennis Hopper is just not that convincing as the man who comes back to the site, 45 years later, of his greatest embarrassment. Keanu Reeves is just not that convincing in anything he's ever done. Quite a disappointment, considering Keanu had to spend six months getting his calves in shape in order to hop in a sack over 5MPH for 84 minutes. Even the ending is incredibly predictable. There's only one way a sack race of this magnitude could conclude. Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies.

7. Sister Act 3: Habitual Nightmares

It's like the zombie apocolypse musical. With nuns (naturally).

Departing from the theme of the first two, this installment is being billed as a "sister slasher". Whoopi comes back to San Francisco to the site of the convent that first took her in, only to find that the whole town has turned into zombies. She must fight her way across town to find the only phone in town, a direct line to the pope. All the while her efforts are slowed as both she and the zombie residents break out in spontaneous song.

While the intentions were good, the execution is sub-par (most of the zombies can only moan and wail), and most of the dance numbers seem put on (especially the line dance for "My Guy...Will Rip Your Throat Out"). My suggestion: wait for the rental. One star.

Flippy Floppies

Now we shall turn our attention to the world of the cinema. With so many new movies coming out this summer, it's hard to choose which film to spend a $10 ticket on. Well IBEG understands the economic crisis we are in and we know how precious each dollar is. That's why we are here to save your precious time and let you know the top ten movie sequels that are destined to fail:

Starting with NUMBER TEN .... ELF 2: THE BUDDY SYSTEM.
Christmas in July? Come on New Line Cinema! The original Elf charmed our hearts as Will Ferrel helps his father find the real meaning of life at Christmas time. Making snowflakes in department stores, Santa Claus meets the whole family... it's a great, upbeat way to spend a winter holiday evening. Elf 2? Not so much. Buddy is back... for a scene. To introduce his brother elf, Sunny. Well, half-brother. Sunny is 100% elf and he is visiting Buddy from the North Pole. Buddy decides to make Sunny his new buddy (literally) and the two of them have a grand old time in New York City, that is, until Will Ferrell decided to drop out of the movie, and the rest of the movie, Buddy "disappears" as a work-a-holic elf opening a new branch of Santa's workshop in the South Pole with the penguins. That leaves Sunny to discover New York on his own, which is pretty dull. Except for the ice skating scene that lasts for 20 minutes. Spare me.

NUMBER NINE ... FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY TO BO BICE.
Um. First one? No. This? A love story between Kelly Clarkson and the runner up American Idol thinks-he's-a-rockstar Bo Bice? No. Just no. The best part is when he cuts his hair.

Number Eight and Seven ... up next!

Back in Business

Well, I recognize that it has been some time since I have made any impression on this page, and for that I am sorry. I have undoubtedly wrecked the flow, so a new flow must be started (ebbed?). I do plan on passing the buck yet again, so instead of offering up a new topic, I will give Elisabeth her choice from the following:

1. Top ten movie sequels destined to fail.

2. Pop tart math.

3. Jacques Cousteau's Cousfingers

4. Favorite parent

5. Pluralization(s)

6. Would you elect a President that could fly?

7. Murder's effect on the death toll.

Blimey!

Ahoy matey! Look lively there if yer bones have any value! Me banterin' treasure's been stolen and taken down to Davy Jones' locker. Shiver me timbers! Arr look about you lads. Use yer deadlights and beware that whoever that blaggard is... I'll have his lights and liver, that's fer sure.

Billions of blue blistering barnacles! I'm goin to find meself some grog and rum.

You Can Fight Crime, But You Can't Fight Fate

It WOULD have been joy. Indeed it would have. So joyful that Whoopi Goldberg would’ve joined the whole motley crew with her amateur teenage wonder-choir from Sister Act 2 and everyone would’ve joined in a mighty chorus of “Joyful, Joyful” to celebrate on that Easter (Les Paques, if you will) morn.

There is just one overlooked word that makes all the difference in this tragic tale of woe.
And that word is “in.”
The young and aspiring optometrists, the female crime fighting team, and the musical yet vertically challenged Spanish megalomaniacs happened to be meeting IN a quape, instead of ON quape.

If you analyze just a bit further, you will realize that Easter is not only the name of the Christian holiday, but also refers to an island of Chile in the southern Pacific Ocean… namely Easter Island. This particular island was inhabited by Polynesians since the fifth century A.D. and encountered by Dutch explorers on Easter Day, 1722. The island is famous for its hieroglyphic tablets and colossal heads carved from volcanic rock, which were probably produced by the Polynesian inhabitants during a period from roughly 1000 to 1600.

Just as the riddle of Les Paques decoys the puzzle-solver to think they met on a water chestnut, filled with walrus milk instead of water, Easter also has a double meaning. These passion filled people met on Easter Island that Easter morning, and this, I believe, is the chaos that ensued:

A Spanish megalomaniac was practicing his flugal horn, while the optometrists were attempting to map out the eye of some creature. (Whether it is human or puppy was not disclosed to me.) The optometrists, thinking they had some advantage over the vertically challenged megalomaniac, teamed up on this poor fellow and stole his flugal horn because it was making too much noise. They attempted to throw it off the island, but instead was nearly intercepted by a female crime fighter. The female crime fighter unfortunately tried to catch the horn with too much umph (being a crime fighter requires much gusto, after all) and instead of catching the horn, she ran head on into a colossal head carved from volcanic rock. The head was no match for the crime fighter, and it rolled down the hill, crushing them all. Only one crime fighter was able to carve hieroglypics into a tablet nearby before she died. Because her time was running out, she of course abbreviated all parties involved – hence the FURNAGIL and MONAGELITE. Because of her message, all future tourists have been warned against bringing their flugal horns to the island, and so far, the death toll has not increased.

I believe NOW the case can be closed.

A Moment of Your Time

Aha, I see our friend Abeth has taken to putting me on the spot. While this topic could be expounded for many more posts, I will try and summarize to the best of my abilities.

At first glance, one might assume that this statement is a reference to two creatures from Harry Potter meeting at some pub in Diagon Alley. This is, of course, incorrect. In fact, the first two words are actually acronyms (F.U.R.N.A.G.I.L. and M.O.N.A.G.E.L.I.T.E.), and read out as follows:

Fresh Utopian Retinal Navigators Accompanying Girls In Leotards

Manky Orange Nectar Aroma Greeting Eleven Little Iberian Troubadour Elitists

Or, in fewer words, young and aspiring optometrists working on mapping out the human (or puppy) eye while keeping a female crime fighting team company happening to encounter upon a musical group of vertically challenged, Spanish megalomaniacs who simultaneously vomit from a sudden waft of the past-expired citrus in tow.

This would normally not seem at all strange, but in this example, they are meeting in a quape, and that makes all the difference. Quape is originally derived from the French Canadian "qua", meaning "walrus milk", and the West Slavic "pe", meaning "on top of a water chestnut"(roughly). But this has nothing to do with the current riddle. It is a decoy. A clever ruse meant to distract from its true meaning. Take the word "quape", rearrange it, and get "upaqe". Rearrange it again, and you get "paque", or "Les Paques", literally "Easter" in French. Ah yes, now it becomes clear. These two groups are meeting at Easter.

So now back to the original question "A furnagil and a monagelite met in a quape. What happened??"

Joy

Celebration

Joyous Celebration

That's what happened. Case closed.

Peter Piper Picked A Peck of Pickled Peppers...

As sure as Quetzal Quidditch would be a swell sensation, and audacious alliterations would allure all audiences, I still feel we humans should have some sort of sport of our own. If the ferrets get their fencing and hippos get their hockey, we humans should have something at which we alone excel. I think that is only fair. Let's not be so generous as to extinct ourselves.

I'm sure our readers will carefully consider each side of the Puppy Bowling debate, and having been educated on each side, will come to a courageous conclusion.

Well now, new weekend and new color! That can only mean a new banter starter has slipped its way into the blog. Because Greg so kindly provided the first topic of discussion, I will begin this round. All this talk of quetzals and xantis made me wonder the following:

A furnagil and monagelite met in a quape. What happened??

Unbelievable Potential

Old Fashioned or Closed Minded?

I believe that is the question our reader should be asking.

Are you so afraid of advancement? I understand that the notion seems odd, but if we want to see world records, we should really allow the world to participate. Plus, think about the amazing alliteration that could result from new animal-based sports:

Aardvark Archery

Beaver Badminton

Cavefish Curling

Dolphin Diving

Earwig Equestrian

Ferret Fencing

Gator Golf (give it a whack, throw it right back)

Hippo Hockey

Iguana Iditarod

Jellffish Javelin

Kittie Kickboxing

Llama Lawn Darts

Manatee Muay Thai

Newt Netball

Ostrich Orienteering

Plankton Pole Vault

Quetzal Quidditch

Raccoon Raquetball

Salamander Skeet Shooting

Tarantula Tennis

Unicorn Ultimate

Viper Volleyball

Walrus Weightlifting

Xantis Xare

Yak Yachting

Zebra Zui Quan

Marketing gold.

Rebuttal

If indeed we allow puppies to bowl, then where will the line be drawn? Who will bowl next? Cats? Cows? Bears? That is called a farm. Goats will be eating bowling shoes right and left! A Zoo! Animal sports! Humans will be overrun eventually. And then it will continue on to all sports... there's no way Payton Manning will have a chance against a cheetah. Men and women sports will be extinct. The phrase "Michael Phelps swims like a fish" won't be needed anymore, because he will have been replaced BY AN ACTUAL FISH!

I can understand "Take Your Dog Bowling Day." Once a year, bring your puppy to the bowling alley? Great. See ya there with my Morky. Other than that, I'm much more of a old fashioned thinker when it comes to animals and sports.

Thoughts on Puppy Bowling

There is also the highly controversial notion of using puppies as bowls. For soup and such.

But I want to get back to the idea of a puppy playing with the big boys. Transcending the hound/human mammal barrier that has caused so much hardship in this fair country. We have already seen great steps being taken in the football realm (see: Puppy Bowl V), but the puppies are only allowed to participate with other puppies. Why can't a puppy do anything that a human can? Are they that threatening because they have fur? Or are we simply afraid of competition?

I will concede that it would be quite embarrassing to suddenly see a puppy at #1 in the world rankings. After inventing the sport, to be continuously dominated by an outsider we begrudgingly let in would be a bit hard to swallow. I could definitely see some jealousy, some xenophobia, some "us vs. them", and quite possibly some sabotage. But isn't that the spirit of the game? Isn't that why we compete? To be the best and to beat the best?

It is for this reason that I say:

Let the puppies bowl.

That's right. If we are to break down the walls that separate us, this so called "fur barrier", then we need to start now. Sure, the puppies will face hardships, but they are necessarry to end the tyrany of humans who have dominated this wonderful sport for so long. Future generations will be able to look back and say "That was it. That was the moment we started being treated like equals".

Will some brave puppy please stand up?

Here's to a Million Dollars

Well there are several clauses to the Puppy Bowling debate.

1. Allowing puppies to play in the same Bowling League as people.
2. Using puppies to bowl, as a substitute for bowling balls, as a solution to this current economic crisis.
3. Replacing bowling pins with different breeds of dogs; for instance, the key to making a 7-10 split is to knock down the German Shepherd first off.

Also, the related clauses must be taken into consideration. Will they cease the selling of hotdogs at concession stands?




Today's buzz words: senators nunchucks swimsuits neckline slimmer Robert Redford

First Topic

To commemorate this groundbreaking occasion, I will give you a choice of topics for our first banter conversation. They are but are not limited to:

1. Favorite R.L. Stine novel.

2. Supersoakers and their effect on pre-teen violence.

3. Oregon state law.

4. Puppy bowling (for or against?).

5. Boysenberries and girlsenberries.

6. Any combination of buzzwords that will often show up in search engines, thus giving us a larger chance to become psuedo-celebrities.