Worst Summer Sequel

1. Kazaam 2: Shaq's Baq

oh no.

To Two Too

Getting close to the worst sequel ever!! And here you are folks, the runner up is:

You've Got Twitter
With as much charm as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks had in You've Got Mail, of course film producers wanted to try for the magic again! This time, Robin Williams and Rachel McAdams are in a modern day New York, both on Twitter. What starts out as an online aquaintance between a retired entreprenuer and young actress, suddenly turns into a girl's worst stalking nightmare, when they decide to meet up for the first time in an apple orchard. Creepy, yet more cheesy than Disturbia, the viewer comes away wondering whether they should've learned to stay away from the internet or never go apple picking alone again. Or whether Robin Williams has lost his touch. Truly a bad apple.

Hold your horses for the WORST MOVIE SEQUEL!!!!

Cuatro y Tres

4. Get Rich or Die Trying or Both

50 cent becomes stale(r), keeps putting out terrible records, loses fan base, blows all his money on white panthers, never improves enunciation, dies in old age home. Unintentionally a comedy. Based on a true story.

3. Kill Bill 3: Redemption

After the death of Bill, Uma Thurman realizes she has has no other hobbies. Racked with guilt over an unfortunate circumstance in the first movie, she decides to make a new list, a list of every member of the Crazy 88 she dismembered or killed during the iconic fight. She spends the 280 minute movie visiting every single one of them (or their families), offering up apologies and gift baskets from Bed Bath & Beyond, although she validates most of her sympathies with "but, you know, they did attack me first". Very repetitive.

SIX and FIVE

SIX: Mary Poppins 2
Alright, I guess directors just can't get enough of Julie Andrews. She's back in London, visiting Michael and Jane, who have both grown up, gotten married, and had naughty but sweet children of their own. Mary takes it upon herself to show these youngsters her magical world, but jumping into a modern day video game isn't the spoonful of sugar she planned. Bert must jump into the game to save them from the evil robotic monsters, which causes Mary to realize she and Bert should have been together all this time. The now older couple reunite on the rooftops of London and sing a reprise of "Chim-Chiminee." Modernizing this classic English tale doesn't provide the charm of the original. None of the melodies are as catchy and the unfolding plot is extremely slow. Sort of a Spy Kids meets Last Chance Harvey type deal. Without supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Disappointing.

FIVE: The Happening: The Winds of Tokyo
Supposedly, the only reason this film exists is because Mr. M. Night wrote the two screenplays as a pair, and they filmed the two at the same time. Now the studio doesn't want to waste all that money, so it might as well come to theatres. We all know where this one is going. All the scientists of America were wrong. It wasn't Mother Nature freaking out. It was really invisible microscopic Russian blowdarts. Russia, wanting to become the ONLY world power, began it's domination with the USA and has now moved to the next essential city - Tokyo. Same plot, but all in subtitles. Except that when the Japanese scientists figure out what's really going on with Russia, Russia just blows them up with nuclear warheads. Cliff ending. Weird.

7 & 8

8. Speed 3: Sack Race
A simple town. A yearly tradition. A villain in search of vengeance.
While showing promise, Speed 3 never lives up to its tagline. Any time you bring back the original cast 15 years later for the 3rd installment of a cheap disaster movie, its a recipe for success, but unfortunately this one falls short. Dennis Hopper is just not that convincing as the man who comes back to the site, 45 years later, of his greatest embarrassment. Keanu Reeves is just not that convincing in anything he's ever done. Quite a disappointment, considering Keanu had to spend six months getting his calves in shape in order to hop in a sack over 5MPH for 84 minutes. Even the ending is incredibly predictable. There's only one way a sack race of this magnitude could conclude. Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies.

7. Sister Act 3: Habitual Nightmares

It's like the zombie apocolypse musical. With nuns (naturally).

Departing from the theme of the first two, this installment is being billed as a "sister slasher". Whoopi comes back to San Francisco to the site of the convent that first took her in, only to find that the whole town has turned into zombies. She must fight her way across town to find the only phone in town, a direct line to the pope. All the while her efforts are slowed as both she and the zombie residents break out in spontaneous song.

While the intentions were good, the execution is sub-par (most of the zombies can only moan and wail), and most of the dance numbers seem put on (especially the line dance for "My Guy...Will Rip Your Throat Out"). My suggestion: wait for the rental. One star.

Flippy Floppies

Now we shall turn our attention to the world of the cinema. With so many new movies coming out this summer, it's hard to choose which film to spend a $10 ticket on. Well IBEG understands the economic crisis we are in and we know how precious each dollar is. That's why we are here to save your precious time and let you know the top ten movie sequels that are destined to fail:

Starting with NUMBER TEN .... ELF 2: THE BUDDY SYSTEM.
Christmas in July? Come on New Line Cinema! The original Elf charmed our hearts as Will Ferrel helps his father find the real meaning of life at Christmas time. Making snowflakes in department stores, Santa Claus meets the whole family... it's a great, upbeat way to spend a winter holiday evening. Elf 2? Not so much. Buddy is back... for a scene. To introduce his brother elf, Sunny. Well, half-brother. Sunny is 100% elf and he is visiting Buddy from the North Pole. Buddy decides to make Sunny his new buddy (literally) and the two of them have a grand old time in New York City, that is, until Will Ferrell decided to drop out of the movie, and the rest of the movie, Buddy "disappears" as a work-a-holic elf opening a new branch of Santa's workshop in the South Pole with the penguins. That leaves Sunny to discover New York on his own, which is pretty dull. Except for the ice skating scene that lasts for 20 minutes. Spare me.

NUMBER NINE ... FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY TO BO BICE.
Um. First one? No. This? A love story between Kelly Clarkson and the runner up American Idol thinks-he's-a-rockstar Bo Bice? No. Just no. The best part is when he cuts his hair.

Number Eight and Seven ... up next!

Back in Business

Well, I recognize that it has been some time since I have made any impression on this page, and for that I am sorry. I have undoubtedly wrecked the flow, so a new flow must be started (ebbed?). I do plan on passing the buck yet again, so instead of offering up a new topic, I will give Elisabeth her choice from the following:

1. Top ten movie sequels destined to fail.

2. Pop tart math.

3. Jacques Cousteau's Cousfingers

4. Favorite parent

5. Pluralization(s)

6. Would you elect a President that could fly?

7. Murder's effect on the death toll.