Old MacDonald Had a Restaurant...

As I am tickling the keys of this fantastic PC of mine, I feel as if there is a thought that needs to be voiced. But wait... what is it? It was there but then it... YES... no? Okay what was I doing that inspired this teeny tiny thought of mine? Right, I had just read the previous post on Farmville. That's what it was. Oh Farmville.

For or against Farmville? Well for most people, this is a black and white issue. One of morals and time management, one of reality versus imagination, artistic souls versus marketing managorial skills. It even stirs up a fire for farmers' rights for some people, as we have clearly seen. And you, my dear reader, are probably wondering where IBEG stands...being that we are such a positive influence in your life, provoking your thoughts and stimulating inspirational inspirations. (After the last post, you may think you have interpreted my co-writer's true feelings about Farmville, but I say to you in all sincerety with a raised eyebrow, don't let him fool you. Layers. That man has layers, I tell you, so don't merely analyze his letter of complaint on a surface level. Look deep. And you will find the truth. But that is another tangent entirely.)

As for me, Farmville... well. As I said - a fleeting thought. Ambivalence is the word. Do I like Farmville? Well, not particulary. Do I hate Farmville? Not at all. I actually get much amusement at certain friends' glee while playing Farmville. Farmville just does not strike a chord with me. I could not prosecute it or defend it. I doubt it's really a case of undermining real life farmers' toil and strife... they probably are not affected by Farmville at all, because of the very reason that they do not know what Farmville IS. Gasp. Farmers farm. They work from dawn til dusk and don't have time to be concerned about the young adult population that is or isn't viewing them as the common man. I apologize if I'm just being the black sheep of the facebook community by not caring about Farmville, but I really do not understand the hype. Sorry to deflate your hot air balloon.

Now for an application that looks appealing... Restaurant City.
Establishing your own restaurant and menu and serving guests?
That could be the real world.

Anti Farmville Propaganda

I wrote this for a Deviant behavior class. A satirical appeal to President Obama to outlaw Farmville.

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing to you today so that your awareness of a new evil which has pervaded our population may be raised, and in the hopes that you will be so appalled by the obvious oppression of our basic civil liberties that you will be moved to change. This seemingly innocuous pastime is a master of deceit, a pollutant of minds and free to anyone with an email account. It is Farmville, the facebook application, and it is a menace. Farmville is misleading at its core and reinforces negative mindsets that already are so prevalent in our society. It stereotypes and misrepresents farmers, and is a sad reflection of the “me first” mentality that our culture is built on. Farmville is what is wrong with America. I ask, Mr. President, that after this statement you will take every legal recourse necessary to outlaw this oppressive game, and create harsh ramifications for all those caught using it illegally. I understand, being in your position, that you may never have encountered this application. I wouldn’t expect a man of your moralistic standards to engage in such a destructive activity, so I will take the time to explain the threat Farmville poses.

Farmville is, innocently enough, a game about farming. Each player owns a plot of land where they can grow and harvest crops and trees, raise livestock for the resources they give (milk, eggs, wool) and buy decorations. They can also become “friends” (a laughable term considering the source) with other farmers, help out on their farms, and generally collect money, experience and ribbons along the way in a sick quest for power and status. Highest amounts of experience amongst the farming community are displayed in a prominent location to declare quite loudly who is the best of the bunch. It is a poor representation of a farmer’s strife, almost to the point of mockery, and creates a false sense of reality for what the life of a farmer really entails. Believe me, they are outraged. This is not just speculation. This is not just harmless fun. Farmer’s are being treated differently, and it is because of Farmville.

People are beginning to think that anyone can be a farmer. Based on Farmville, crops and trees grow within hours, not months, and can be harvested in minutes. Programmers saw to it that fruit could be neglected forever and still not rot. There is no sense of patience, nor is there an urgency to be on time. It is there when you want it to be, and not a moment too soon (or late). It is all too easy. Crops are not affected by the elements. There is no need to consider rain, drought, sun or insects. The crops grow how they should every time. The market price is always the same. There is no fluctuation in price due to inflation or the economy. There isn’t even a need to pack up your truck and head to the market in the first place. Crops are harvested with the click of a button; the money is transferred into your account. Instant gratification. Far different from the life a real farmer leads. Let me paint you a more accurate picture, as told to me by Jonah Heathling, a farmer in rural Iowa: “I wake up ‘fore dawn. Not with the rooster like the stories’ll have you believe, that’d be sleepin’ in if you ask me. It takes me a hwhile to get all my joints movin’, what with the arthritis in my back and hips, but I get goin’… Spend the day tillin’ soil, feedin’ the livestock, carvin’ out my piece of the land. It’s hard work, it is. Nothin’ like workin’ with your hands, not on this earth… I get home, end of the day, and I sit in front the fire hopin’ my aches an’ pains’ll be gone by the time I get up tomorrow. Can’t afford to be missin’ out on work jus’ because I’m hurtin’… Saturday’s I go to market, try an’ sell what I can to get by. This week I had to butcher my prized calf, raised that ‘un since she was born. Can’t let my family see my tears though, need to be strong for them. I don’t got no electricity, no flushin’ toilet. No need for none of that. I do what I need to get by, and I like it like that…”.

This is the life of a farmer. It is not a life of luxury. It is not a life of selfish ambition. It is a life of necessity, not only for himself but also for America. Sadly, Farmville has desensitized us. A recent study in Consumer Perspectives showed some shocking statistics. After polling those who played Farmville versus those who had avoided it, the findings were that regular Farmville players were three times more likely to see farming as a “low-intelligence profession”, eight times less likely to give up their seat to an elderly farmer on the bus, and twelve times more likely to commit a hate crime to a farmer and his family. This simple superiority complex is actually turning into an irrational hatred over time. A staggering 84% of Farmville players said they would kill a farmer if they thought they could get away with it. 62% said they would do it even if they didn’t think they could get away with it.

The American public wants to put farmers in their new place: below everyone else. They want to belittle and downplay their profession, their sweat. Farmville has done this to them. Before Farmville, farming was seen (and rightfully so) as a noble profession, one done with selflessness and modesty, and one done since the beginning of agricultural humanity to survive. I am not the type to just sit here and let an integral demographic become ostracized without any logical backing. Farmers were here long before Farmville was, and will continue to be here after. A vote against Farmville is a vote for farmer’s rights, Mr. President, and there is nothing more patriotic than that.

Patriotism, however, goes deeper than just protecting those civil liberties that our country was established on. Sometimes we need to go a step further and correct a problem that has resulted from a great American ideal becoming twisted and distorted so much that the end result is insultingly different from the original intention. In this case, capitalism has changed from the wonderful idea that everyone has the right to make their own way in this world to the disgusting notion that the world revolves around the individual. We are slaves to the “me first” dogma, and we value our self worth by our net worth. Farmville only serves to reinforce this viewpoint.

The selfish nature of Farmville reveals itself from the very first time you turn on the game. The first screenshot is a dead-center, slyly-smiling (as if he just ripped off some schmuck) picture of you, directly in the middle of your newly acquired farm (which, I might add, was not worked for (it is as if some rich relative conveniently left you their massive estate)). You are the center of your universe. No one else matters if they are not helping you achieve a higher status, and this is further solidified by your interaction with “neighbors”. One can choose to become “neighbors” with other people who have joined Farmville, which initially seems like a great way to share and exchange ideas with those with similar interests, but in fact is nothing more than another tool to promote personal gain without having to take personal responsibility. You see, neighbors have no other purpose but profit. You cannot interact nor have a relationship with them. They simply become another notch in your belt. With enough notches, you get a monetary bonus. Disgusting. The only semblance of interaction is when you go on their farm to help them with a chore, which also gives you monetary gain. Otherwise, there would be no reason to visit anyone. The recipient of the favor never gains any benefit from this transaction, you just come swiftly in the night, take your money and leave.

What kind of lifestyle is this promoting? It is placing the idea in people’s heads that no friendship should be made nor relationship maintained without direct financial benefit. It is saying that any action, no matter how cold, can be justified if it leaves you with a bigger bank roll. What is the purpose? Where does it end? Are the Farmville users donating these small fortunes to a worthy cause? No, they are not. They instead take their blood money and spend it on aesthetically pleasing items with no utility. Trash, essentially. Nothing in the game (with the exception of crops, trees and animals, which are only there to make more money) has any use. Buy a sandbox, and you’ll find you can’t play in it. It is just there. People buy simply to have things. They hoard and gloat, sitting high atop their mountains of injustice as they look down at the other, lesser farmers.

There have been numerous medical studies done in the last year to verify that Farmville does in fact attribute to much of America’s selfish ambition. For instance, Gretchen Pladunk, a Professor at Johns Hopkins University, has claimed an actual chemical imbalance can result from even moderate exposure to Farmville, which she has aptly named Farmvillioma. Symptoms can include “a prolonged and uninterrupted feeling of megalomania that carries over into the personal life of the afflicted. Most have little to no regard for other humans. Some extreme cases have seen the diseased take all the money out of their bank account so they can spend entire twenty-four hour periods counting it, often ignoring prior commitments and personal hygiene to do so”. Some others have taken it a step further. Benny Crekow of the University of Southern California has determined: “Farmville cures cancer. Wait, hold on…this graph is upside down…one second…I’m sorry, it causes cancer. Farmville causes cancer”. While I cannot verify the validity of this study, I believe it is safe to say that Farmville is cancerous to the health of our nation. I hope by now, Mr. President, that you feel the same way.

That is why I hope you will join us at our rally December 18^th in Washington D.C. It will be a cold winter day, a day no crop could grow, but a day that will still be sunny and bountiful in the skewed reality of Farmville. Our group, the Coalition Regarding Overly Poisonous Software (C.R.O.P.S.), will be speaking all day, trying to raise awareness of this threat to our morality. We will be bringing in such respected leaders in the community as Michael Jordan, Lou Ferrigno and The Edge to endorse our cause and attract the attention of the lawmakers in D.C. You see, Mr. President, this is why we need you. Our ultimate goal is not simply to raise awareness of this evil (although this is important). We believe that Farmville should be outlawed in the United States. It is oppressive to farmers, it creates selfishness and it can do damage to the body and mind. It should not simply be a deviant act; it should be an illegal act. It would not be enough for us to preach the dangers of Farmville to the public. Only by coming down hard on the criminals who decide to play it, the Farmvillains of our society, will we be able to protect the well-being of our population.

Mr. President, I very much hope that you have come to see the danger lurking. If we continue to allow Farmville to infect our computers, then we continue to allow our farmers to be pushed down into the lowest rungs of our society. If we continue to allow Farmville to shape our realities, then we continue to allow our nation’s mindset to become more and more self-centered and egotistical. We need you to speak at our rally, Mr. President, and we need you to convince the lawmakers, as well as the rest of the free world, that Farmville needs to be stopped.

To help support my coalition, I have attached a list of signatures from those like myself who would like to see Farmville wiped from this earth. I hope that you will take this into consideration when making your decision. I also ask that in the time it takes for us to pass this law, you do not even shake the hand of a Farmvillain. I hope to see you at our rally December 18^th, Mr. President, and I thank you for reading my letter.

Regards,

Greg